Sad

I’ve debated whether to share such personal feelings here as this is such a public forum.  It’s easy to put only the “look at us, we’re such a happy family, life is perfect” posts up, but the reality is, sometimes life isn’t so perfect.

Last night was very long and hard for me, so many emotions rushing through me.  Remembering and re-living experiences from the last few months.  The happiest times and the most heart wrenching ones.  The eerie stillness and silence that filled the exam room as the doctor was trying to find a little life.  Feeling like my world came crashing down as the words “I’m sorry, but your baby did not make it” were spoken, the sound of my sobbing, the sight of David’s tears flowing, having to actually make eye contact with someone (anyone) after that.  Having to will the strength into my legs just to be able to stand up.  Fighting for every breath.  It was not pretty.  Our world altered.  It was hard to adjust to being not pregnant after I’d recently adjusted to being pregnant again.  The not looking at the book each week to see how big baby is and what is developing that week, the non discussion of baby names.  Funny the difference between the car ride to that appointment vs the car ride back home.  On the way up we were discussing how I was 11 weeks and we found out Jacob was a boy at 12 weeks.  We discussed names, and wondered what kind of acrobatic moves we would be seeing in a few minutes.  On the way back we were calling my parents asking them if they could come take care of our kids the next Monday while I had a procedure done.  “They” say miscarriage is a “normal event”, however, it feels anything but normal to the parents who are dreaming about the life of their new baby.  I used to think miscarriage early in a pregnancy was really no big deal.  So that pregnancy is over, but it’s not a baby you’ve held in your arms yet, you can get pregnant again, and life is back to being just as lovely as before.  WRONG!  To the Mom & Dad that is one of your children you’ll never get to see, you’ll never get to hold, you’ll never get to know their personality.  And though you’ve never held them in your arms, you’ve most certainly held them in your hearts.  Whether you have other children after that or not, the next child will never replace the one you lost. 

I would be 20 weeks this week if that pregnancy wouldn’t have ended.  We would be finding out this week if it was a boy or a girl.  As it is, however, we will never know if Jacob and Lia lost their brother or their sister.  We will never know if we lost a son or a daughter.  That is the reason my heart is feeling extra tender this week..  The “what might have beens”.  I know I can’t live in the past, I can’t live with ghosts of what never will be, but for right now I’m having a hard time getting these out of my head. 

Also – this is specific to early pregnancy loss – a D&C IS a big deal.  So often it’s described as a “minor procedure blah blah blah”…but to the parents (especially Mom), it is so much more.  That day for me was as hard as the day I found out baby had died.  You go into the hospital knowing when you leave you will no longer be carrying your baby.  That was enough to *almost make me not go.  But there would have been other (worse) complications if I would have given in to my heart instead of my head.  It is so much more than just another medical procedure.  To the Mom it is like going in to have your baby, knowing you will come out with empty arms.  There are so many emotions involved you cannot understand unless you’ve been there.

Everyone’s experience with grief is different.  I realize that.  There are a few things I think might be universal though.  1.)If you ask someone how they’re doing after a loss and they tell you “fine”, they are not really fine.  Don’t let that fake smile fool you.  2.)Nothing beats sending a real note the “old fashioned way” through snail mail.  I only received one of these.  That note is the only tangible thing I have from the pregnancy.  No ultrasound photo (Dr. didn’t print any), no ribbon off flowers (didn’t receive any of those), no nothing…except the one note.  A HUGE thank-you to the person who sent it!  I don’t mean this in a “poor pitiful me” way, just something to think about when you hear about someone else who experiences a miscarriage.  I did receive many, many “thinking about you” and personal letters through e-mail.  Those were great and touched my heart.  I valued every one of them and they were all special to me.  But still…nothing beats a hand written letter in the mail if you have an address.  And you never know if your letter might be the only tangible thing the Mom has from her pregnancy.

Now, I know there are many parents who have been through much, much harder experiences than we have.  I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to experience multiple miscarriages, the loss of a full term baby, or a child at any point after you’ve brought them home.  Be it 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years.  That being said, the grief after miscarriage is very real and very deep.

I hope I haven’t sounded whiney but these are a few things that have been on my mind and I felt like I wanted to get off my chest.  I am thankful for my family and friends who did send notes and called.  One friend called multiple times and I appreciated it so much.  She didn’t expect me to be “over it” the next week.  I am thankful for the two awesome children I already have.  Without them this would have been a much harder experience.  I do realize that and I now know with an even greater clarity what a miracle they truly are.  Most of all, I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who has helped me through the hardest (so far) time in my life.  I know He will help me more in the days to come.  Around February 16^th will be another hard time for me.  That’s when Baby S. was due.